Tag: Depression

Brain Damage and Games Exercise 

2 1/2 years ago I suffered some brain damage, and since then my games have taken on much more meaning. They are one of the few things I can still do with friends. Im a fan of the bigger chunky games that take time to play and I’m just getting into playing solo games. All these mean I have to concentrate and act as a kind of exercise for my damaged brain.Games provide me with a chance to socialise, & provide health benefits. The theraputic value of this also helps with my depression. 

Getting run over has really changed my life, and my whole aim of things now is to try and get me back into a position where I can work again. But having the issues I have currently, it’s not looking likely to happen anytime soon, which is shame, because for all I complained about work, I did enjoy feeling useful and doing something that contributed to society. 

So yeah, games help me, but for various reason, I am not getting to play many games lately, and I can tell because my mental abilities are slipping and I find my ability to concentrate less. So I am not getting the brain exercise I need, and thus I am going to have to make a bigger effort to get to things like Newcastle Gamers so that I can give my brain the workout it desperately needs.

I am, money depended, going to be entering the Kill Team tournament at the Warhammer 40,000 Open Day on Saturday, but it’s very money dependent!

What I am Modelling

This past week and a bit I have decided to clear up some of the models on my painting table that have been started and not finished. I started by finishing off the Blood Angels Tactical Squad to form a basic Kill Team, they are now done and dusted.

I then moved onto the Blood Angels Terminator Librarian, and he was actually a lot nicer to paint than I had expected him to be. And I finally based a Word Bearers Contemptor Dreadnought 

I am currently working on a Scout Squad that’s for Lost Patrol, a Word Bearers Jump Pack Chaplain and a Word Bearers Veteran. 

What I am Reading

I read White Dwarf, but other than that I haven’t been pick my Kobo for over a week now, which is simply down to how drained and tired I have been feeling.

I have been listening to audio books when I paint still, I recently finished the Damnation of Pythos, a book which in my first reading of it, was ok, not amazing but ok. But after listening to it as an audiobook, my opinion of it worsened, and I now have to agree, it just feels out of place in the series.

What I am Playing

I played in a long afternoon playing Horus Heresy on Sunday, however opposite me on the table was Christian and his Mechanicum, so I spent most of the afternoon removing models without doing any damage to him at all, really need to figure out a better way of dealing with the Mechanicum. 

I have a plan involving combining a Reconnaissance Squad with Sniper Rifles and a Heavy Support Squad with a Lascannons. I have bought some Lascannons when a friend did a Forgeworld order a while ago, but he keep forgetting to give them for me. But I have a promise from him to give me them at the Open Day on Saturday.

What I am Backing

I had backed Pretending to Grownup, a card game from Jason Anarchy of Drinking Quest fame, it’s an excellent looking game with some really cool looking art from Megan McKay.

And in a nice surprise, Quatermaster General 1914 arrived with me on the 31st, meeting it’s October delivery date, only had a brief look at it, but everything seems quite cool and I look forward to playing it.

What I am Spending

It’s coming up to Christmas, so too much, I have bought a few gifts for Lindsay and Megan as most of my nephews and nieces presents will be coming from the John Lewis account we put money into every month and the ¬£200 of High Street Vouchers we have saved towards. I also have my nephews Max’s birthday coming up and I have paid for his birthday present.

That’s not to say I haven’t spent money, I did but myself the Burning of Prospero and then traded with a dude on Facebook for an extra two squads of MKIII Space Marines to add to my Word Bearers.

In a spate of depression I also placed a Forgeworld order and am now the proud owner of a Mhara Gal Tainted Dreadnought, which has reduced my money for the rest of the month.

WorldCon and My Dark Place

This weekend was MidAmericon II, this years WorldCon and I really wish I could have been there. Next year it comes closer to home, to Helsinki in fact, but I still can’t get there.

Since I feel ill and had the accident, well I haven’t been able to work beyond the occasional day demoing games, and that doesn’t really pay the bills. I am left dependent on ESA and PIP, I am in a pretty bad way, so I do get the maximum amount of money I am entitled to, and Lindsay is on a decent wage for the North East. But I am still left with very little at the end of it, and things like WorldCon are simply so far out of my budget, even when they are in Finland that it’s unreal.Despite a year of planning, I tearfully had to accept that I was never going to get to Helsinki, it was a hard decision to make, but even if I saved like a trooper, stopped buying books and models, I would struggle to afford to eat or get membership and enjoy myself after transport and lodgings were paid for

It lead me to a dark place, which was one reason I gave up blogging for a while. That coming on top of my Nana’s health deteriorating rapidly, Kings of the North collapsing and the resulting fallout, and my needing to take my diabetes a lot more seriously, left me so very low. I don’t think I let on to the world too much, but I spent a lot of time crying over what a disaster my life was.

Thankfully I have the love of two amazing women in my life and Lindsay and Megan pulled me out of the pit, they cleaned me up and got me through the darkness for my sisters wedding, which I was still not mentally prepared for how difficult it was going to be. When I left home my sister was barely 12 and I guess I have never really accepted that she grew up, despite her having a child, until her wedding day. She looked radiant and has become an amazing young woman, and that kinda knocked me back a bit, I just wasn’t ready for it, but she is all grown up and married now. I just wish we were closer, I love her and all, but we have lived a long way from each other for so many years, that our relationship is just not as close as I would like it to be.

After that I had the UK Games Expo, which I was only able to attend for 2 days this year, and I loved every minute of it. I worked one day and I was a plain punter the next, I wish I had been there for the whole time, but I had to transport my Nana back to Newcastle after my sisters wedding. Being there was amazing and I really wish I got to do more events like it, I saw people who I rarely get to see, and Lindsay always wonders why I somehow being the social butterfly with lots of friends at gaming events, when it’s usually her. I guess it comes from my time as an MiB where I did a lot of networking and volunteering at events, normally I am very shy and socially awkward but games people are my people.

Anyway when we returned from Birmingham, via Warhammer World of course, the three of us sat down and decided that we needed to get to conventions more, especially seeing how much I come alive at them. And we weren’t talking about the glorified market places that make up the majority of conventions in the UK, such as those ran by Showmasters or MCM, we wanted to do proper conventions. So we of course had to keep the UK Games Expo on the list, and we decided to add on EasterCon, the British SciFi convention, something I had not been to for 15 years now. There are others I would have like to have gone to such as Novacon, but my budget will only stretch so far.

It means putting ¬£50 a month away into savings which will really stretch my budget a lot, but it will be worth it in the end, I know it’s not WorldCon, but it’s still the kind of event I love, discussing and enjoying the kind of literature that makes me so happy, it’s by no means a consolidation prize.

I guess things got dark for me because Helsinki was something I had my heart set on every since they launched their bid, I went to LonCon3 as a games demonstrator and it’s probably one of the great highlights of my life, so I was hoping to replicate that joy and fun in Finland. But I have to learn to live within my means more, I am no longer and MiB so those doors no longer open to me as they once did, so I have to be more domestic in my ambitions and desires. 

But that said there is the bid to bring WorldCon to Dublin, I am on the volunteer list, and I should really help make that happen by getting the word out in the north east more, we have plenty of Sci-Fi fans here after all!

But in general the past few months have been a bit of a wake up call for me, I need to essentially reboot my life, I need to get out more, despite my mobility issues (though Pokemon Go has helped with this a little), I need to read more, I used to devour 2 or 3 books a week, now it takes me 3 weeks to read a single novel. I need to create more, I am not a good writer but it does get the juices flowing and I enjoyed my initial steps in podcasting, I need to look after my body more and try and get a bit of the weight shifted. But most important of all I need to get my head properly in a place where I can handle life and the stuff it’s been throwing my way of late, I want to think my health situation will improve, but I have to stop getting so down and self-destructive when it doesn’t happen. 

So that’s me, signing off and that’s where I am at, I am better than I was, but still not 100%.

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